The Problem With Bucket Lists

NOTE: I apologize for the nonsensical writing order, it might not make sense, but i need to get it out. Also, if you could keep abuse to a minimum, that’d be great. I’m real, there’s a human behind these words and i need you to see that and just let me be.

I have a bucket list of the 5 music makers that i would love to see most in concert, in no particular order: Taylor Swift, Incubus, Snow Patrol, Bon Iver & Linkin Park. Snow Patrol i was lucky enough to see at one of the most beautiful venues in Somerset West when we still had the MyCokeFest, it was epic and lived up to every expectation.

I’ve been more than just a fan of Linkin Park since they released Hybrid Theory in 2000. Meteora then went on to be probably the most listened to album i have ever had… playing the soundtrack to my teenage angsty phase. I even followed their side projects, i supported Fort Minor and Dead By Sunrise with a fervency reserved for the mentally unstable. I’ve lived through more false announcements of Linkin Park coming to SA than i care to remember. I didn’t even believe that they were really really really coming until i had those tickets in my hand.

Things are tough for me at the moment, it’s no secret what with Twitter and all. If you follow me, you might notice an out of character tweet here and there… but i have a lot going on. I keep up appearances as much as i can, and regardless of what it might look like on the outisde, i’m barely scraping through. I don’t think i need to try and hide it more than i have already. Everyone goes through periods where it’s hard to pick themselves up and carry on, but it’s easy to forget that you’re not actually alone in whatever you’re going through.

We passed under the scaffolding, i paused in front of the DJ to see if i could recognize him. It was so so windy and there was dust flying everywhere, so i took my beanie and shielded my eyes and carried on walking. I picked up a drink from a promo girl, so did Joe. Mixi, who was with us, realized she walked past without one and so she ran back to where the scaffolding was, got a drink, and came back while we waited. We turned around, and heard a crash and saw the dust cloud. I saw the scaffolding and then i heard people screaming. Joe ran. I was in shock. I ran 2 seconds later behind him throwing down the drinks in my hand. I ran past people standing dumbfounded, people taking photos. I saw the blood on the inside of the scaffolding. I looked for Joe, and couldn’t find him. I panicked. I was worried he would put himself in harms way to help someone else – he would. I looked around the corner – more people on the floor, more blood. A girl lying on the stage. I felt helpless. I had St Johns ambulance training, but how was i supposed to help with people that had been crushed? Rob Forbes went on the mic and asked for people who knew CPR… a few rushed forward. Why would they need CPR? I started to feel sick. I couldn’t watch people die. I knew it was serious. I looked at the structure and it’s thick metal poles and knew that people weren’t going to be ok. The paramedics arrived in record time. we’d walked past them not 5min earlier.

I hate myself for not doing more. I know there’s nothing i could have done to physically help anyone, the paramedics were there. But maybe that nameless girl who died needed someone to hold her hand? Or to pray for her? Or just to hold her.

2012 saw me lose an Uncle and a friend, both deaths hit me hard. I still cry about my friend when i remember him and his rollerblades and sparkly scarf. My Uncle was so kind and gentle and loved flying kites at outdoor parties. I want you to know them, just like i feel like we should know the girl who passed away at the concert. She was a Linkin Park fan, like me, she was just 1 minute later. 1 minute. I could have lost the love of my life or my best friend. Someone lost their daughter yesterday. I can’t stop thinking about her family and friends.

You might call me indulgent or dramatic, but the truth is that i am just so fucking sensitive to everything right now. I always have been, i probably always will be. It means that i am insanely sympathetic/empathetic and if you talk to me about something that has happened to you, you can bet that i’m feeling it right along side you too. I couldn’t just enjoy the concert after what had happened. I couldn’t switch off. I was watching a band i had waited over 12 years for… and i just couldn’t stop seeing the people lying on the ground.

I cried until 4:00am this morning. I had to put a movie on to try and distract myself. It didn’t work. I eventually fell asleep with nightmares of people getting stuck in things and crushed. I didn’t lose anyone yesterday, but i feel like i did. As i’m writing this, i can’t stop crying for long enough to put some make up so that i can carry on with my day. The rest of the world doesn’t stop – life never stops. Sometimes i wish it would.

I can’t have any more of this 2012. I’m ready for you to end.

9 thoughts on “The Problem With Bucket Lists

  1. Sorry to hear all of that Steph.

    I know people will tell you this over and over but it gets better with time.

    Keep crying. It’s ok. You have a heart.

    Ps. Probably not wise to have read this listening to Bon Iver -_-

  2. Reading this had me in tears. I had tickets and decided to give them up. The whole day yesterday I was moping around the house cause I had to depart with those tickets. Now, I feel relieved. But it feels wrong. Relieved why? That someone else lots their life and not me? I’m with you on this one, looking forward to new a 2013…

  3. Dude, BRUTALLY honest 😦

    I think you just got hit with something no training can prepare for. You’ve done the 1st Aid course, you’ve seen movies where people get hurt but hearing a real scream and seeing real blood brings out emotions and reactions we never expect from ourselves. Some people rush to help, some are too startled to notice for a few days and others stop in shock.

    Don’t feel bad that you didn’t do more. You reacted as you felt best in that instant. All you can do is try lead from the front in future. Does it suck? Sure. Is it hard? Certainly. But we can’t fix it. We can only our own piece to ensure we are prepared, available and knowing when things happen.

    Now get off the Internet and call your mother. Then call Joe.

  4. Steph, you are brave, for being you, in a world that is always making us conform and fit into boxes. You speak out, even if what you have to say may not be what everyone wants to hear. You have every right to feel what you feel – and admitting to it is the bravest part! We are all human, as you said, and sometimes knowing that is enough. Don’t beat yourself up for what you did or didn’t do – you didn’t do anything wrong. Being sensitive and in touch with others’ emotions and being able to put yourself in others’ shoes is an amazing gift! Don’t let anyone make you feel less than what you are! Sending you lots of hugs.

  5. Thinking of you Steph, I’ve been following for a few months on Twitter, you seem full of life and hearing you down and out like this is horrible. You also seem like the kind of lady that has the best kind of support around you, they’ll be here for you now more than ever! What you experienced is nothing anyone should ever have to experience, but life hands us these nastys and luckily you have a system to cope, to lean on. You’re article moved me, I read your tweets, I cried, I thought about you, as I’m sure a lot of people did. We’re all here for you, in our thoughts and in our prayers,

  6. Hi Stephanie, I can just imagine how you feeling and just maybe you should contact this girls family just to get closure. You have definately been traumatized and maybe its a sign that you should meet her Family. They might need to talk to you too. Take care Xx

  7. Hey dude, hope you’re feeling better. Jeepers what I shitstorm you got hit with over some of those tweets? People are being retarded. Don’t you pay attention to them. Just as an example: super_saffa_k’s bio says she wears foil panties to bed and that they match her hat. I don’t think I’m going to elaborate on my opinion of that but I want to make sure you don’t take people’s criticism personally on this, because honestly it seems like people just slammed you for the sake of making themselves look important. Which is really small of them. Wow. Also, maybe you should consider counseling just to work through the emotions of this traumatic experience? It sounds like you have a great support structure with your mom and dad and boyfriend. If you ever do feel like you’re carrying some burden alone then you can even mail me and chat about it (I’m on twitter @hahalaughylaugh). I think this post is long enough now though. I don’t mean to sound like I have a whole lot of answers or know exactly what you’re going through or anything, just makes me sad seeing people unhappy and if there’s something I can do to make it better that would be rad. PS: I think you’re doing a good job.

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