*Before you read this piece, just know that i’ve been struggling to decide whether to actually post it or not. It’s not quite finished yet, but just having it sit there in a document on my desktop was making me anxious and i needed to get it out… sooner rather than later. I’ll update/finish it tonight 🙂
If I’m being honest, this #COSQueen thing has me feeling a little… uhm… pathetic. Useless. Worthless. Inadequate. You get the point…
I feel like I’m in an American teen film, sitting in the cafeteria at the table nearest the garbage bins with all the other rejects. These films usually have a prevailing “theme” which is that the popular kids always end up getting knocked down a rung or two… and that the uncool/nerdy kids eventually get the girl or guy they’d been pining after. This, very rarely, happens in real life.
For the past few days, Twitter has felt a bit, to me, like navigating the High School hierarchy all over again. My timeline is inundated with people I talk to on a relatively regular basis all nominating each other for #COSQueen and all the Twitter dudes putting their favourite girlies forward… and none for Gretchen Weiners.
Do I not go to the same school as the rest of you? Maybe I don’t get my boobs out enough, maybe I’m not friendly enough, maybe I don’t talk to the right people, maybe I’m not intelligent enough, maybe my tweets aren’t funny enough, maybe I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, just… enough.
This is ridiculous, right? I’m questioning myself, my worth, my value, based on the fact that I’m not being chosen for some magazine’s made-up award for Twitter’s “Queens”. I shouldn’t care… I know I shouldn’t… but I do. Not seeing my name mentioned, made me rethink whether I was having the impact on my followers that I wanted to have.
I started out on Twitter because I was told, by the radio station that I work for, that all of the DJs needed to build an online presence. I’ve never been one to do anything by half measures and I’m super competitive, so when I signed up, I tried my damndest to figure out what people wanted to hear.
In the beginning it was all business, but then something strange happened… I found myself drawn into a tiny community. The community grew and some members of the community became more like friends and a couple like family. My tweets, as a result, gradually became more “me”. The majority of you weren’t following me 2 years ago, and you should be glad you weren’t… I went through a really really really bad break up. I withdrew from my “real-life” friends (because they were his friends too) and ended up taking to Twitter to vent… and vent I did. Emo doesn’t even come close to describing my tweets Thank you to everyone who stuck with me through all of that.
I know that a good number of people are going to read this post and come to their own conclusions about why I wrote it or make judgments on my character, and that’s ok. I can’t stop you. I will however be brutally honest here; I’m shy. I’m insecure. I’m paranoid. I just want to be liked. Don’t tell me that I shouldn’t care what people think about me… I do. It’s called a reputation, and reputations are important.
Back to the point… here I am today. I’m much happier (partially thanks to quite a few very special Twitter friends) and way more “myself” than I have ever been. You laugh at my stupid jokes, you comment on my pictures, you sigh at my silly questions and you reach out whenever I have the odd sad tweet or two… I don’t really know how to say this next part, and I really don’t want it to be misinterpreted at all… I just want an honest answer: What am I missing? I’d genuinely like to know. Those other girls, that have been nominated time and time again, what do they have that I don’t? Is it something I can fix, or should I just get used to never really fitting in? Never being one of the “popular kids”. Never feeling like I’m special enough to be recognized.
Speaking of being recognized, there are a couple of women/girls/ladies in my Twitter world that, I feel, deserve to be acknowledged. I’ve noticed that most of their names have been, in my opinion, erroneously excluded from the waves of nominations:
@djmixi: One of my oldest friends, and one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is beautiful beyond measure and my life would be empty without her in it. I am so lucky to be working with one of my bestest friendsicles, and I know we’ll be laughing about life&love for years to come!
@missgerio: We are like the Sun & Moon; complete opposites… but it works. She’s someone you want in your corner, never afraid to stick up for you or be the voice of reason. She’s not afraid to throw a punch and even constructed her own “gun” using a pipe, plastic glove, an elastic band, and frozen chickpeas!
@lizetheunicorn: The girl who has it all, but who worked DAMN hard to get it! Ambitious, intelligent, stylish, well-spoken and always manages to look like she stepped out of the pages of a magazine. She has a massive heart and values her friends, she also happens to give some of the best advice around.
@mishtothed: One of my first Twitter turned “real” friends. She’s a cutie pie of note, with the most adorable smile. Generous beyond what is necessary and always willing to help wherever she can. My timeline would be a husk without her in it.
@kbattaliou: Blonde beauty with a beautifully kind heart and an obsession with her adorable cat, Charlie. She loves a good party, but also enjoys her time alone, visiting her parents in the middle of nowhere and tanning with a good book in her hand.
@wordsoflizdom: I’ve never met this pink-haired JHB girly-pants, but I wish I could! I’ve lost count of the amount of times she’s tweeted something and all I can manage to say is, “AMEN!”. She’s funny, serious and caring. Thanks for reaching out to me with a kind word every now and again.
@lolabythesea: We seem to somehow miss each other at social gatherings, even though we both find ourselves in the same places sometimes. She has a wicked sense of humour and is a sucker for competitions (in the cutest way possible). She’s a loving mom of 2 and somehow still manages to have a HAWT body 😉
@megpascoe: Another JHB lady I’ve never met, but I feel like Meg and I could be friends in real life. She’s just as dirty as me and just as crazy… which is probably why she’s in JHB and I’m in Cape Town, because one city wouldn’t be able to handle the 2 of us!
@justcallme_k: Kamini, like “harmony”… it’s funny that her name rhymes with harmony because she seems to be one of the most well put together people I’ve met. She’s pretty – inside and out – and I have a feeling that I could learn a lot from this Durban (now Cape Town) chick.
@kimgreyling: Larger than life personality and infectious laugh, also one of the first girls I met in real life from the Twitter community. She’s encouraging, open and completely devoid of the “airs and graces” that affect a large amount of Capetonian girls. Awesome woman!
Believe it or not, this post actually has me a little emotional, not in a weepy/teary kinda way… more in an anxious, loser-ish kinda way. There are a few more ladies I’d like to nominate, but this is all I can get done right now. I’ll have it all up by tomorrow, promise.
Also, after writing out those descriptions of all the wonderful ladies in my life (on Twitter or in lewende lywe) i’ve realized why i’m not on anyone’s list and i should be ok with it. Maybe i shouldn’t be upset that i didn’t make the cut, but rather be happy that so many people i know, did?
Still to follow:
“I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…”
“She doesn’t even go here”
– Mean Girls