Bite The Pillow, I’m Going In Dry

*Before you read this piece, just know that i’ve been struggling to decide whether to actually post it or not. It’s not quite finished yet, but just having it sit there in a document on my desktop was making me anxious and i needed to get it out… sooner rather than later. I’ll update/finish it tonight 🙂

If I’m being honest, this #COSQueen thing has me feeling a little… uhm… pathetic. Useless. Worthless. Inadequate. You get the point…

I feel like I’m in an American teen film, sitting in the cafeteria at the table nearest the garbage bins with all the other rejects. These films usually have a prevailing “theme” which is that the popular kids always end up getting knocked down a rung or two… and that the uncool/nerdy kids eventually get the girl or guy they’d been pining after. This, very rarely, happens in real life.

For the past few days, Twitter has felt a bit, to me, like navigating the High School hierarchy all over again. My timeline is inundated with people I talk to on a relatively regular basis all nominating each other for #COSQueen and all the Twitter dudes putting their favourite girlies forward… and none for Gretchen Weiners.

Do I not go to the same school as the rest of you? Maybe I don’t get my boobs out enough, maybe I’m not friendly enough, maybe I don’t talk to the right people, maybe I’m not intelligent enough, maybe my tweets aren’t funny enough, maybe I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, just… enough.

This is ridiculous, right? I’m questioning myself, my worth, my value, based on the fact that I’m not being chosen for some magazine’s made-up award for Twitter’s “Queens”. I shouldn’t care… I know I shouldn’t… but I do. Not seeing my name mentioned, made me rethink whether I was having the impact on my followers that I wanted to have.

I started out on Twitter because I was told, by the radio station that I work for, that all of the DJs needed to build an online presence. I’ve never been one to do anything by half measures and I’m super competitive, so when I signed up, I tried my damndest to figure out what people wanted to hear.

In the beginning it was all business, but then something strange happened… I found myself drawn into a tiny community. The community grew and some members of the community became more like friends and a couple like family. My tweets, as a result, gradually became more “me”. The majority of you weren’t following me 2 years ago, and you should be glad you weren’t… I went through a really really really bad break up. I withdrew from my “real-life” friends (because they were his friends too) and ended up taking to Twitter to vent… and vent I did. Emo doesn’t even come close to describing my tweets :/ Thank you to everyone who stuck with me through all of that.

I know that a good number of people are going to read this post and come to their own conclusions about why I wrote it or make judgments on my character, and that’s ok. I can’t stop you. I will however be brutally honest here; I’m shy. I’m insecure. I’m paranoid. I just want to be liked. Don’t tell me that I shouldn’t care what people think about me… I do. It’s called a reputation, and reputations are important.

Back to the point… here I am today. I’m much happier (partially thanks to quite a few very special Twitter friends) and way more “myself” than I have ever been. You laugh at my stupid jokes, you comment on my pictures, you sigh at my silly questions and you reach out whenever I have the odd sad tweet or two… I don’t really know how to say this next part, and I really don’t want it to be misinterpreted at all… I just want an honest answer: What am I missing? I’d genuinely like to know. Those other girls, that have been nominated time and time again, what do they have that I don’t? Is it something I can fix, or should I just get used to never really fitting in? Never being one of the “popular kids”. Never feeling like I’m special enough to be recognized.

Speaking of being recognized, there are a couple of women/girls/ladies in my Twitter world that, I feel, deserve to be acknowledged. I’ve noticed that most of their names have been, in my opinion, erroneously excluded from the waves of nominations:

@djmixi: One of my oldest friends, and one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is beautiful beyond measure and my life would be empty without her in it. I am so lucky to be working with one of my bestest friendsicles, and I know we’ll be laughing about life&love for years to come!

@missgerio: We are like the Sun & Moon; complete opposites… but it works. She’s someone you want in your corner, never afraid to stick up for you or be the voice of reason. She’s not afraid to throw a punch and even constructed her own “gun” using a pipe, plastic glove, an elastic band, and frozen chickpeas!

@lizetheunicorn: The girl who has it all, but who worked DAMN hard to get it! Ambitious, intelligent, stylish, well-spoken and always manages to look like she stepped out of the pages of a magazine. She has a massive heart and values her friends, she also happens to give some of the best advice around.

@mishtothed: One of my first Twitter turned “real” friends. She’s a cutie pie of note, with the most adorable smile. Generous beyond what is necessary and always willing to help wherever she can. My timeline would be a husk without her in it.

@kbattaliou: Blonde beauty with a beautifully kind heart and an obsession with her adorable cat, Charlie. She loves a good party, but also enjoys her time alone, visiting her parents in the middle of nowhere and tanning with a good book in her hand.

@wordsoflizdom: I’ve never met this pink-haired JHB girly-pants, but I wish I could! I’ve lost count of the amount of times she’s tweeted something and all I can manage to say is, “AMEN!”. She’s funny, serious and caring. Thanks for reaching out to me with a kind word every now and again.

@lolabythesea: We seem to somehow miss each other at social gatherings, even though we both find ourselves in the same places sometimes. She has a wicked sense of humour and is a sucker for competitions (in the cutest way possible). She’s a loving mom of 2 and somehow still manages to have a HAWT body 😉

@megpascoe: Another JHB lady I’ve never met, but I feel like Meg and I could be friends in real life. She’s just as dirty as me and just as crazy… which is probably why she’s in JHB and I’m in Cape Town, because one city wouldn’t be able to handle the 2 of us!

@justcallme_k: Kamini, like “harmony”… it’s funny that her name rhymes with harmony because she seems to be one of the most well put together people I’ve met. She’s pretty – inside and out – and I have a feeling that I could learn a lot from this Durban (now Cape Town) chick.

@kimgreyling: Larger than life personality and infectious laugh, also one of the first girls I met in real life from the Twitter community. She’s encouraging, open and completely devoid of the “airs and graces” that affect a large amount of Capetonian girls. Awesome woman!

Believe it or not, this post actually has me a little emotional, not in a weepy/teary kinda way… more in an anxious, loser-ish kinda way. There are a few more ladies I’d like to nominate, but this is all I can get done right now. I’ll have it all up by tomorrow, promise.

Also, after writing out those descriptions of all the wonderful ladies in my life (on Twitter or in lewende lywe) i’ve realized why i’m not on anyone’s list and i should be ok with it. Maybe i shouldn’t be upset that i didn’t make the cut, but rather be happy that so many people i know, did?

Still to follow: 










“I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…”

“She doesn’t even go here”

– Mean Girls

27 thoughts on “Bite The Pillow, I’m Going In Dry

  1. “She doesn’t even go here!”

    Brilliant, Steph. I thought you would have gotten hundreds of nominations! To be honest, I completely forgot about six or seven epic ladies off of my nominations (my brain is like a fucking sieve) and you are one of them. My bad. You’re one of my favourites though…Keep it up!


  2. I get what you mean, but I feel it on Twitter in general. I see the cool kids retweeting each other, replying to each other’s every tweet, but I’m not one of them. It makes me feel a lot like what you’ve expressed in this post – that I’m not /enough/.

    But you know what? Screw the popularity games and artificial recognitions. It is high school. And it’s lame. You’re cool. And wouldn’t matter if I or your friends didn’t think it, you are enough. Just as you are.

      • Good afternoon.

        I used to use twitter, in 2010 as a source of knowledge, getting my questions out there and people’s unbiased opinions and perspectives on random topics. I followed DJ’s, jocks and news/sports presenters, and found that interacting with them helped me learn about what makes them tick and their perspectives, and I can say something with absolute certainty, even more so with this blog……we’re ALL HUMAN. NO one is above anyone else, no one is untouchable. We all have the same feelings and emotions, some more thatn others. I feel the only reason we consider some of them “celebrities” is because they’ve been placed in the limelight, for OUR amusement, and become a regular face we come to recognize. I have myself been referred to as a “celebrity”, and I can say without any doubt, I am NOT! I’m a regular Joe.

      • That being said, you are correct, twitter has become a “high school”. I also think it’s become a dating site. Where people can interact on a personal level forming new friendships/relationships and in the process, destroying what otherwise would have been perfectly good relationships, for the sake of curiosity and a fling.

        But I have one negative to say regarding this blog….You say you feel unworthy for not being nominated as Cosmo queen, then you go on to say how “high school” and childish it all is, suddenly you’re listing those you feel worthy of this “childish” award, which will make those you’ve nominated feel compelled to nominate you, amongst others who now feel guilty for not having thought of nominating you. So contradictory.
        Quite frankly, I have my “Cosmo Queen” and would rather tell her I love her to her face, buy her dinner and spoil her, than nominate her for some pointless title.

        All the best

      • Maybe i should have clarified that my “nominations” are real-life nominations, not for COSQuees. I haven’t nominated anyone on Twitter, i just wanted to take the opportunity to tell those girls how much they mean to me. There is absolutely no guilt, and no one that i’ve mentioned has nominated me… don’t worry. Still nomination free.

  3. I love the honesty of this post – I think you have just had the balls to say something I think many of us on Twitter are thinking.

    Whether we like it or not we all wanna be well-known on Twitter and before tweeting we often stop to think “is this tweet gonna come across as cool as so and so’s” I do it and I hate it. Because when I delete that tweet, I am trying to be someone else and shying away from me.

    People like funny and I’m really not the funniest girl on this earth BUT I am really friendly, sweet and like giving compliments yet I only have 200 followers? BUT at the end of the day we are who we are and you shouldn’t try change or question that because even though I have only been following you for a few days on Twitter and I have honestly enjoyed your tweets. Besides that you are a DJ and that’s a RAD job to be proud of and maybe you not getting nominated for Cosqueens but you definately are the envy of many people. And your voice gets heard everyday.

    Don’t doubt yourself because of this “thing” on Twitter, its just a thing and actually means nothing in the real world – a real world where you are quite successful and really pretty 🙂

  4. I’m a guy, and what you have questioned in this post is as relevant to me as it is to the rest of the “nerd heard” at the garbage bin.

    I don’t know the impact of this #COSQueen event on a lot of woman, but if there were to be a #COSKing event, i would feel exactly what you are feeling.
    We will never know what sparks that “being bothered” response, and often the worst advice you could receive is “don’t worry about what others think”.
    We have our friends, those current and those past, the ones that left us to join the “cool kids” and didn’t look back. Other people may say that “there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s them”.

    I imagine it to be the comparison between a good singing voice, and a great singing voice, the good singing voice are the ones you hear and see a lot (those nominated) and a great singing voice is the one you discover later in life (the geeks and those alike)… I imagine.
    This is also one of the reasons i abandoned the #FF trend…

    It’s preferential…
    i’d be right there in your kitchen with you.. I’d obviously be the one adding the vodka or red wine into the happy cake… but, I’d be there with you ;D

  5. Steph, you have more balls than a rugby team.

    “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” he may or may not have been a medical doctor but Dr Seuss still says it best.

    On a scale of one to ten… I’d totally give you one! (Yes Meg, once again i stole your line)
    P.S i also think its a little silly, that’s why i didnt nominate anyone 🙂

  6. Steph – I was thinking about this exact thing this morning actually, and came THIS close to nominating you. In the end, i decided not to because i had a look at some of the nominations, and you’re right – you don’t fit in there. In my mind, I likened the COSQueen thing to the “popular group” at high school – the cliquey group of girls that are forever self congratulating themselves on being popular and being the shit. Only, they’re the only ones who think so, and they’re the only ones that it matters to. The rest of us don’t need to be validated in that way because we know we don’t fit into one box and we know we don’t ever want to, or need to. (I am not in any way saying that all the nominated people feel like this/are like this – just a generalisation. Most of the COSqueen nominations are pretty fucking cool.) I think the SA Twitter community has a problem in that it is very cliquey – as soon as you’re in with the cool kids, you get a bazillion followers and everyone starts talking to you. Starting out is tough and you get ignored, even if you say the funniest things or have the most relevant observations. It’s almost like you need to already be big on Twitter, to have any bearing on the community at all. It’s a Catch 22. I don’t really know how it got that way, being fairly new to Twitter myself, but i guess all you can do is respond to people who don’t have a thousand followers, or follow people who are just starting out, in the hopes that we can grow the tiny “clique” of Twitter-cool-kids to a huge network of Twitterati who DON’T all know each other because there are simply that many of us.

    Finally, i just want to say that you should be PROUD you don’t “fit in.” I have always felt like i am too this or too that to fit in with any one group, and it used to depress the shit out of me until i realised that that was maybe my “role” in life – I bring strange groups together, that otherwise would never have met, and often, it just works. Maybe you are like that too 🙂

  7. I was having this exact conversation with @vodka_bunni last night and I couldn’t have articulated it any better even if I tried.
    Clearly I don’t fit twitters standards. Scratch that. I don’t fit the “popular kids” standards simply because I tweet too REAL apparently – I know this cause I’ve been chastised for commenting about going to see my psychiatrist or bitching about being an only parent.
    Apparently “people” want to know when you party so hard that you vomit or when you tweet on the loo – THOSE are the “cool tweets” and if that’s the case then I say fuck that, I’ll join you at the loser table and we can put foot cream in the populars face cream or dare I even… CARBS in their lunch!
    And PS… I’ve always felt a little cooler knowing I chat to a radio DJ and she actually tweets back… so boo on those who think you aren’t cool okay?!

  8. I have only been on twitter for roughly 2 months and I already feel more connected to some of people on there than friends I’ve had for years. Calling it a community definitely describes how we interact with each other. I am genuinely invested in these peoples lives and I have never even met them. That sounds a little stalkerish. But I think it’s because we are there with these people during their everyday life, hearing their thoughts and opinions on what matters most to them. We are ultimately sharing our minds first, before anything else. Before looks or social stature. I obviously don’t expect to be nominated for this “Cosmo Queen” thing. I don’t even really know what it is. But it was starting to annoy me on my twitter feed and considered tweeting about it. but then decided against it because I thought it would make me sound jealous. Which I’m not. But it reminded me of high school, too. Where I was the only one out of my friends not chosen to be prefect. Sitting in the assembly hall, alone, with a huge circle of emptiness around me as all my friends had been called onto the stage, was one of the most embarrassing, humiliating experiences of my life. No amount of comforting could make me feel less like a loser. But in the end, they had to do stupid duties all year and I got to enjoy matric. So it all works out. I thought about this because I think any kind of popularity contest is just plain mean. The winners end up looking like jerks and the losers are left feeling hurt and unwanted. The criteria is always vague and the competition is never fair. That being said, I loved your post. I always do. Topless Tuesday is a revelation. And I followed all the girls you mentioned. I look forward to hearing what they have to say. Thank you.

  9. Steph, I get you on this one. I saw the feed come up in my timeline and thought, ‘ooooh, look at the #Cosqueen again.’ I didn’t, however, make any nominations. If I did, you would most certainly be one of them; You’re intelligent, humourous and sometimes crass and that’s exactly why I like reading your tweets. Beeg loves to you lady.

  10. I think you just very successfully verbalized what a lot of people are thinking and experiencing on Twitter. Honestly, I nearly fell off the..erm… chair (ok…ok…I’ll be honest …I was checking twitter from the loo…*cough* *ahem*) when I saw I’d been nominated for this Cosqueen debacle. And only because I’m in Savage’s Superbru pool and am kicking hairy macho man-ass.
    Other than that, I had originally decided to just ignore the whole thing. I don’t read Cosmo anymore. I’ve never been one of the cool kids and I’ve been watching the cliquety cliques on Twitter for a long time now with a bit of amusement and mostly annoyance.
    Also need to make it clear that there are the “cool kids” who try to be cool, work hard at it, don’t consider themselves cool unless the entire universe acknowledges their cool-ness.
    Then you get people who are truly rad. Yes. I used the word ‘rad’. I refer to the ones who are open and involved and they care and they interact. And they’re just great. All without the agenda of hoping someone notices and gives them a Noddy badge.

    You, Stephanie, definitely fall into the latter. 🙂

  11. Hey Steph,

    Sadly you probably would get more followers by showing more boob :(.
    I work for a digital marketing company and we do social media. Its crazy what people follow, hows things trend and how the market works.

    But by the sounds of it you have a great following. People that actually care about you. As you’ve said, you’ve made some great friends and some that feel like family, which is really awesome and not a small thing :). These people seem to add value to your life. I doubt that most of the people that were nominated can say the same thing. They cheer you up when your down and share a good chuckle with you:). How many of these nominees are really who they say they are. I personally think that its a bit fake. You are who you say you are, which i think really counts. Your definitely special enough to be recognized (really) and don’t forget it :). Remember when you were a DJ at Tollies and now look where you are :). I guess there are somethings you could do, but then it wouldn’t be you….

    anys stay beautiful and keep on chugging lol

  12. somehow i feel i should jump online and nominate you for #cosqueen. i feel bad that i haven’t and then felt worse that i didn’t know what it is. then i stopped, and thought i would rather send you a reply to tell you that you have made me smile, you have made me laugh, you have become an argument between myself and one of my best mates abt which of us has the right to marry you, and why we feel that you are better than jill wagner (wipeout), and you did all of this 140 characters at a time, and a bit of blogging. i understand the need for validation, and i still feel tempted to nominate you, but i cant buy into the main stream bs, i like what you are too much, i like the lack of mainstream, i like the irreverence, i like the strange sense of humour, but most of all i like the fact that without you in the full limelight you are a little bit MINE…

  13. Ola Steph!

    Shot for a very interesting post. I really enjoyed reading it. I’m going to try and keep this short and to the point.

    I have to admit, my jaw met the floor when I saw that Cosmo were running #CosQueens again. I was honoured to be part of “the esteemed” last year, despite having no clue why. It was ridiculous fun and very light-hearted BUT, and this is where the danger of running it again comes in, Twitter is not what i was a year and a half ago…

    Then, there was a small community of people who drowned in self-deprecating humour and harmless teasing – it was amazing! Nowadays, you are viciously berated for leaving out a comma. Egos have grown, cliques have formed, and my oh my have opinions (subjectively) mattered.

    #CosQueens will not have the same impact this year and you can tell by the amount of traction it has gained (or lack thereof). Regardless, intentions are good and I hope all the ladies have as much fun as we did last year! 🙂

  14. Yeah. When I saw it, I immediately though it could have been a way I would be able to market myself, my blog and my talents, but it really is not.

    It is another ‘vote’ contest, and I’ve been in too many of those to not realise that they have absolutely no bearing on a person’s actual worth, skill or talent.

    I think I may feel this way because I felt left out. Somehow twitter has always been an equalizer for me, having the ability to talk on a person-to-person basis with those I admired and giving-receiving advice. This competition negates that. It reminds me that hey, you actually aren’t as worthy as those others.

    If we continue to push up those who are already on top, what happens to those at the bottom?

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